theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
