how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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