I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
