Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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