It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
