Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
