Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
