I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize