My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
