Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
