2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
