At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
