Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
