When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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