It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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