I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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