So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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