Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
