I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
