What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
