4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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