i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
