I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
