there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
