I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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