You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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