it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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