we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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