I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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