guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
