Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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