The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
