You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
two words...techno handjob
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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