I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
