My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize