In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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