We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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