i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
