Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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