i just sent this text using only my big toe
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
