Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
