I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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