He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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