Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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