She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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