oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
