Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
