the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
