My first STD was from a foam party
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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