its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
