overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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