She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
