My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
