I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
