I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
