Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
