How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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