He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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