I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
