So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
