so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
