Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
