I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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