she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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