Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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