yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
