I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize